Hands up if you have felt like this lately: forgotten by the world and by your soldier, unloved, uncared for..... yeah. Me too. It's so hard for me to conceive of how a simple, "I love you" or a simple acknowledgement of my existence is too hard for him when all day everyday I do anything I can do to show him I care. Yesterday he had 24 hour duty and I stayed up too. I made sure he had healthy hot meals when he could get home. I made sure there was plenty of hot coffee. I sat up with him to help him stay awake until he had to go back after a break. He said to me,"Well you could have gone to bed."I wish he could emotionally connect again and realize that I stayed up because I wanted to help him, but that I would have appreciate a hug or a "Thanks hon, I love  you" as an acknowledgement. I know he struggles with emotional connection so I told him that I was feeling bad and needed a little emotional support from him. I didn't drop some passive aggressive bomb. I didn't yell or scream or blame him for not picking up on my silent cues. I told him exactly what I needed from him. And he still got irritated with me. It's so hard to keep going through this for someone who I know would never do the same for me. Not anymore anyway. The man I married would have. Sometimes I really don't like this new guy.

Living a military life is isolating enough. Adding in the PTSD makes it practically impossible to connect to my family and friends. They can't understand what it's like to live like this and I can no longer relate to how they life. It's too painful to see their Facebook posts about happy family outings, holidays, birthdays, weddings and other joy filled occasions. But the hardest is to see the small celebrations of intimacy between friends and their spouses. I remember what it was like to have a spouse who was kind and generous and loving. He still is that way, to other people. But it seems impossible for him to be that with me again. I don't know why. I do know he may never be able to be that way with me again. I don't know if I can re-frame my expectations to allow for his PTSD and not resent him for no longer being the person he was when we got married.  But until I figure it out I have to keep going. Someone has to do the laundry, feed the cats, make sure the bills get paid and the house gets cleaned and he gets to his appointments and takes his medications and buy the groceries and make the meals and so on and so on. Tomorrow will be a better day. Right? I hope it will anyway.